I went and talked to the drama people at Amity high school (Devon, did a Matchbox20 dude go there?). It went well, but it was super early in the morning, so I was still really tired and my brain was moving in negative time. I told them about home, and being sick, and why having Lyme disease in this era is so terrible (because of all the misinformation and stupid doctors who aren’t willing to change and such) and mom talked as well (because I honestly know next to nothing about Lyme, because I had no time to learn about it because of the memory loss!). They asked alot of really good questioned and seemed real surprised that Lyme could do this. Only one of the people had had Lyme, but everyone knew someone who has had it. I was shocked. In Victoria, my doctors (even the highly trained specialists) hardly knew what Lyme disease was, let alone all its complications, or someone who even HAD it. But here were these 17 year old kids who knew more than my family doc and Children’s Hospital neurologists. That. Is. Scary.
I really wanted to talk about what it was like having no memory and how long I’ve been forgetting for and my last memories, but I kinda punked out. I’ve never really felt embarrassed about talking about me being sick, in fact its always felt more like talking about someone ELSE, rather than me, because I have no…personal memories of it really. It kind of hit me that I actually haven’t remembered thing for like…9 months and suddenly that seemed like a very long time. Like an era. Like a whole lifetime. And in a way it is. Its a lifetime that I’ll never get to live again. Its my life but it will never really be my life, in the way I remember the rest of my world. Does that make sense at all? Or is this just the drugs ranting?
This part of me shall never truly be mine: it won’t be until I can remember these times.