When I was young, I never considered it, but I just assumed that the world would walk on forever, and nothing would change. That I could always walk down the local streets and laugh with friends and nothing would change. I figured that there are things in life that just can’t change, because they shouldn’t. I figured that will power alone could keep change at bay.
Of course, I was young. The world walked on, but took a new path, and it takes a new route through time every day. How can you keep up if you are not abreast of these changes?
Today I feel sick sick sick. Low. I could stare across the room blankly forever, happy to just be still and not think. A few of my blood counts are low, so we are stopping the drugs for a day, and then we’ll pick them back up after I’ve been tested again. Lucky me :P.
The days pass by in mostly the same ways. We go places, and occasionally see people, but I hope we can see more. I miss everyone so much. It’s tiring doing things, but I like it better than doing nothing…
The thoughts aren’t stringing together right today, the words not flowing off my tongue. I feel lethargic and heavy. Tomorrow it will be better, it always is.
Its strange being home. Everyone asks me how my year has been and I have no answer but a generic ‘good’ and a wide, vacant smile. They say how much I must have missed the Island, and I give give a non-committal nod of the head and change the subject. It is hard, because until they mention the fact that I have been away, I feel like no time has passed at all…because now the seasons are different and I can only tell how much time has past by the fact that I have grown, and the little stickers on the back of the car. Its as though I’ve been transported to the future, and I can look at the newspaper of next year, and view the city a year ahead of schedule. If I was on more drugs, I’d think it was magic haa.
But I don’t like it. I’m so tired of this half-life; of the mind-numbing drugs and the time gaps and the even wider gaps between my old friends. I want to scream that this is enough already! I have proved that I can handle this, I have suffered and proved time and time again that I can handle this. I have been tested; haven’t I passed? Can’t I just be fixed now and go back to the way things were without many changes? Who am I screaming to…are they listening?
Where is that old life? Where does the time go? To a vacuum? Into a vault? A vault in our minds? How cruel that my own vault is empty of the present, that the time and the life are all gone. All spent. Where does the time go?
We are having tandoori chicken tonight which may not seem like a huge, exciting bit of the day but it is way cool for me! I wish we had a clay oven though! I’m not feeling too nauseous (wow thats a lot of vowels!!) right now so pehaps I’ll eat lots, but the propect of that is slim. Ce la vie, I guess.
We did the whole ‘Puppies of Westport’ and Whole Foods thing today which is tres tres exciting!
I can’t really think of what to tell you guys. It’s kinda crazy that it’s winter. I mean, yesterday it was summer and Tim brought me over some shoot-em-up movies and said I didn’t look yellow to him, and held my hand and all and I was looking forward to going to Fyfe’s birthday later on that night. I wake up ever morning and I’m not in the guest suite at home, there is no mark in my arm from where the put the IV in last night at the hospital, my hair is clean and I’m wearing different pajamas. I can tell by the light streaming in that is it winter, not summer. Its not hot like summer. And unless I’m very much mistaken I’ve grown and inch or two and gained ten pounds. It’s insane. It’s crazy, missing so much time. I am so easy going now. I’m sitting in ‘the living room’ in a house that isn’t mine and surrounded by stuff that has a feel like home but it isn’t. Imagine. This is fucked up man, is all I’m thinking.
I’m IV-ing right now which majorly blows. It is so cold, especially in my chest, where it goes first. It kinda burns a bit and makes it a little hard to breathe, but it could be just cause it makes me really really anxious. I feel so messed up. I could see all this being funny, a good story to tell in a few years. In many years.
Nancy is coming tonight and I’m pretty stoked. I love her so much and she has been way wicked awesome these past months. And Phil, but I think he’s teaching. I miss him too!