Archive of ‘sadness and bloodtests’ category

“What Now?”

I seem to be one of those patients who doctors give the “What now?” face to a lot. I feel like a burden to their ordered lives, with so many complaints and problems that they take up much more than the few lines given to express the  “reason for coming in”. My prescriptions list flows into the margins.

I have been feeling extra specially awful for nearly a fortnight. I had about 6 of the uber cold shaking episodes, which are incredibly painful and exhausting. Shaking is our bodies natural way of warming ourselves up, and is impossible to fight, just like you can’t hold your breath and suffocate yourself. My Lyme-aware doctor thinks that it could be a reaction from a glucose intolerance, which apparently affects many women with Lyme disease. It is not cool. A few days ago I took a 2 hour glucose test, which involves drinking a deathly sweet drink of 75 grams of glucose (ooh yes. I don’t know if I have ever drunk that much sugar in one day ever). Then, you sit still for 2 hours and don’t eat or drink (minimally…can’t go two hour without a drink…so dehydrated always!) and then they draw another phial of blood. There was a lot of blood drawn that day…3 needles in all. I had to have a blood culture done, which included 4 culture bottles (whoa!) taken from both of my arms. I was not down with the idea at all but it was important. Apparently, I have some kind of gram-negative bacteria in my blood. The walk-in doctor I went to see was of the opinion that that was that, and the reason for my chills and tiredness, and that 2 weeks of double-strength Bactrim would magically cure my symptoms, or at the very least clear up the blood infection. The results were a bit confusing…the lab made a mistake on the preliminary report, but the wording is odd. It sounds as though they are not convinced what is ailing me.

I can’t find a family doctor…none will accept me, or my mother for that matter. It is like stepping into a fantasy land; It’s the McCarthy period and we are blacklisted for suspected Lyme-ist ties; Big Brother is watching out for me though, thank goodness. I don’t know how they can even legally turn me down. But instead, I have to wait over an hour and a half in a walk-in doctors seating area for my 10 minutes with the white coated doctors who wear the stethoscope like a tie. I hope that when I become a doctor that I will start by listening to the patients, I mean really listening, and diagnose the whole problem. Now, if you go to your family doctor, only one issue can be addressed at a time, which is an absurd system, because many disease have multiple, complicated symptoms, and how could a doctor possibly fully comprehend which specialist to send you to if he only discusses one of your complaints, briefly? It is absurd!

It is disgusting how the medical establishment is repeatedly failing me in all areas. How could a previously healthy 15-year-old female slip through the cracks without even a backwards glace from the attending physician? Even when that patient was patiently fighting for her life, I still had to fight for their time and ear. I only wish I could get appointments with all the physicians who tried to pass me off to another useless doctor, and explain to them the truth, to shake them with its devastating power. To kindly describe to them in a condescending tone that I have learned by example so well, that there is an epidemic going on, which for some reason hasn’t passed through their gated walls and foot thick glass of the ivory tower where they reside, somewhere high up in the clouds, where the goings on of a creature as small as a tick are insignificant. And anyways, very few ticks apply for passports, so they can’t be coming into the country!?

To surgically open their eyes seems the next logical step.

Love Won the World Over

Now is a great time for me to find out about the potential risk for gallstones with the high-dose of antibiotics I’m on. Of course they told me but I obviously forgot, so when they took me in to have an ultrasound today, I was surprised and happy to be told I don’t have gallstones. Phew. I mean just one more think to go wrong right?

I have to have ultrasounds once a month! And blood draws every two weeks! Seriously, ever time they draw blood, I want to cry something like ‘Do you know how much it cost to put all that stuff in me and you’re just taking it out?’ Honestly, with the combination of painkillers, antibiotics, and a shit-load of vitamins, they could SELL my blood for a premium price. If I gave blood, the person who got the transfusion would get a healthy amount of drugs…a ‘lil boost. 
I also had my dressings changed on my IV which is always nice ’cause it feels all clean and, you know, it always looks better when there isn’t a little bit of dried blood caked around it. Nice, I know. I really am trying to work on my adjectives, so that when doctors or friends ask the classic ‘how are you’  or ‘what is the problem today’ or something else that I’d really rather not be asked,  I have a wonderful arsenal of words, as to sound cold and totally pissed off that they asked. Not really, but sometimes I feel like that. I felt in the first few appointments, that they were honest to God trying to get blood out of a rock for all the words I could come up with. I thought I’d better practice in my mind so next time, I don’t have to stumble through “bad” and “painful” or “icky” and really use some kick-ass words.
It comes to mind that, beyond the pain and general sick feelings, I feel deep down a sadness. That I’m here and you’re there. That I’m stuck here and you’re still there. And that this TOTALLY is taking an inordinate amount of time. This ’empty’ feeling hits me often and makes me feel that I love you guys an infinite times the world over. 
This feeling, of being lost, and stuck, and lonely, and sad, and overwhelmed, is by far, the deepest, worst, intolerable agony of all. 
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