That Scale from 1-10

Oh *Cringe* it’s been way too long since I’ve written. It’s hard sometimes to talk about the bad stuff when you feel like it won’t end anytime soon. I’ve been having a rough few months to put it mildly and we can’t seem to figure out what’s going on. I think I might have been in withdrawal from the pain meds we’re shuffling around, or perhaps majorly herxing from the medical cannabis I’ve started using -which is really really REALLY helping everything. Except for when I herx. But I digress. I ended up in the ER a few weeks ago with severe abdominal pain (thought my appendix burst or something!) and forgetting to breathe and a whole bunch of weird suff which was possibly from withdrawal or slight overdose, which they didn’t figure out at the ER. I wrote this poem during a full night of strange seizure, excruciating involuntary movement, and knife-like abdominal pain.

Scale from 1-10

Pain in the abdomen that feel like

a car alarm going off,

smoke detector blaring,

volcanic,

ambulance wailing,

and I,

stranded.

In my house. In my walls.

My body, weary travel companion;

Undetachable from this.

Unreachable.

onetotenonetoten

one to ten

What is your pain like on

a scale

of

one

to

ten?

But the pain dosen’t speak

It doesn’t do roll call

and count the ways it is itself.

It leads to the same conclusion:

too much.

A number a number

no waiting room number

just my identifying health care number

which for security reasons I shall not inscribe here

but

it’s 9 digits long, and roughly speaking

marks my number

on that scale

you weigh my suffering in.

Pain, unaccountable.

And I am still here in this darkening place

while ignorant armies

clash, crush, burn, stab,

in the early morning night.

Undefinable

Unattachable

Undetachable

Unreachable. Yes.

and

undefeatable.

 

2 Comments on That Scale from 1-10

  1. BJ
    July 18, 2014 at 7:17 pm

    KEEP STRONG GIRL…………THANKS FOR THE NEW LINK!! P.S. BEEN DOING ANY KNITTING THIS SUMMER? BEEN REALLY HOT HERE IN IDAHO………….:)

    Reply
    • nbottles
      August 1, 2014 at 3:50 am

      thank you <3. i HAVE been knitting up a storm. recently tho, i've been feeling so crappy that I haven't even wanted to knit: lots of seizures! i usually judge the severity of my illness by asking myself the simple question "do i still want to knit?" LOL! everyday is getting better tho!

      Reply

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