November 2009 archive

A Crack in the Line

Well…I have some good news and bad news. Now, personally, I’m the kind of girl that wants to hear the good first, because hearing it after sort of tarnishes it, don’t you think.

The good news: I’m over my cold!!

The bad news: My Picc Line has sprung a leak! We just changed the dressing today, but when we went to flush the line with saline tonight, I ended up covered in it. You can pretty much put two and two together when the evidence is staring at you in the face. There is just a tiny little rip, above the clip, thank god no blood. I can’t handle blood very well, not gonna lie. I’m writing this so I don’t panic. I like being able to breath thank-you-very-much. The thought is poisonous…it seems into my stomach and chest, weighing heavily inside me. Just the idea of having to face them pulling out the line, and then putting it back in terrifies me. What scares me more, would be them refusing to put a new line in. Then what? I don’t want to get cut afresh all over again. Been there, done that. It was fun and all of course, but really, certain experiences are best completed only once.

I think the plan is to get it ‘change’ tomorrow. Great. There’s something to look forward too!

Kilts, Kousins, and Kantats!

I miss the smell of wet kilts! Can you imagine missing such an awful smell! The girls used to say they smelled like owl pellets, but having never smelled them before, I cannot say for sure. They picked up the phrase after some out-week trip, and the expression sort of stuck. To me it smells kind of like if sheep had been out in the rain… Actually, my kilt is one of the acrylics, so you don’t have that ‘wet-kilt’ smell. Sitting out on the grass, running through mud puddles, climbing things…life is just one big opportunity for a mess!

All this talk of wet kilts, and today was actually the first day without rain in several weeks. My cousin, of course, was ecstatic that there was a little sun…shes been here for nearly 2 weeks, and we haven’t had a nice day at all. There was SUN, real, bright and warm (sort of) in the sky, a blue tinge to the grey clouds that suggested that there might be a sky above them.

I went to choir today. My big outing of the day…twenty-five (exhausting) minutes of singing. I love choir…it feels just like old times. It feels like I spent ALOT of time in that choir room, but I guess we just had practice very often…and all of my good friends are also in choir! I love taking back a little part of my life, one of my favorite parts, actually. Our christmas concert is soon…so excited. At least I know most of the words to those songs!

I’m pretty tired today. I feel like my brain is a little swollen, pressing painfully against my skull at the back. Or maybe I got hit with a hammer.

Party

A few days ago, I had a little get-together for my birthday. I’d call it a party, only it was just for 2 hours, and there was very little ‘party activities’ involved. I had so much fun, but it was so exhausting, embarrassingly so. Pathetic. We sat in a circle (well a kidney shape really…once you get past kindergarden, ‘circles’ get more and more wacky shaped, I find) and we had pasta and cake and just talked and laughed…it was so nice to have all of those wonderful people in the same room. I miss them so much, I miss our old life; its like a physical pain sometimes.

Birthday!

The other day was my birthday.
Its infuriating. I am 17, but how? At last count, I was fifteen…how strange it is that I am two years older and yet I am not. It is a difficult thing to wrap my head around. The passage of time is always hard to wrap your head around…but especially if there is nothing to hold on to, no memories to cement the passing of time. I’m floating out in space without it.

I felt especially crappy that day. It felt like the Lyme bugs were doing it on purpose, ruining my day. Sometime the pain gets so bad that its hard to breathe.

Amy is here…my cousin from Ontario! She is so wonderful and it is amazing to have her here (love ya!). We’re hopefully going to do some fun cousin things, just hang out have fun! They are currently making carrot cake (my favorite!). I am very excited.

Me vs. the other Me

I feel sick today…like thats supposed to surprise you, yes I know. It still is horrible, no matter how many days pass in this pain and tightness, I will never adapt fully to this lifestyle. I will never have to. Hopefully.

My joints are what hurts most now. I am on the rack. I can feel them, strapped down to boards with duct tape wrapped tightly around my thighs and knees, slowly being yanked, twisted, a giants hands trying to pull them apart. The burn. A twitch. Swollen. The tendons feel like they are frozen in fear, a false move and they will crack or snap clean. The knees trembling in a nauseating way, a sensation like small hands scraping out a more concave spot. The drills, always drilling, a burning, dull heat buzz-buzz-buzzzing away, that perks up in the joints, just when you call for a respite.

aside: (Wow. The adjectives are really flowing today.)

 It is a silent sort of battle between me and…a different part of me, I guess. It is a sort of pain that makes you want to scream nonsensical words, just to express the madness and confusion and pain inside. Nonsense is the only way to make sense of this sort of thing. It is the only thing to do, and the only rule that you mustn’t break. It is a zillion times worse to give in. Honest. Silence is más mejor. 

It is dark already. I hate waking up and in a few hours it being dark…it makes me feel sort of turned inside out. Unnatural. We wake up to the sun and go to bed at night…why can’t I do this too?

One Hundred and One’th

This is the big “101” post.

Wow. I’ve had over a 101 things to say about this. Its sort of daunting thinking about all those free-written words that I don’t remember. Its strange: I had things so say…I said them, but I have no idea what I said. It is a twisted feeling. I recognize my style and word choice, yet its like someones play a trick on me, taking my words and warping them into phrases and prose.
And its no where near the beginning of April.
My mind wanders today. A butterfly, my thoughts jump from flower to prickly shrubs, to Dogwood blossoms, and Venus Flytraps. Each thought zaps me with a painful pinch as I consider the past. I try not to. I must remember that now is the time that is worth the time. I must dedicate now to the rest of my life.
Why isn’t anything easy?
I met with Elaine and my teacher, Sally, at SIDES (a distance education program!). I also read my Lyme speech to my teacher which was fun!! We also sort of put together an IEP for me (individualized education program), which will help the other teachers help me by knowing what I need. Of course having no memory is a little snag I’ve been trying to get over, but I will share with you now my secret.
I’ve spent nearly all of my life in school, so don’t think that I am going to miss the end of it now. So close to the finish line, do you quit? No! You put on an extra burst of speed and cross the line. I am going to graduate….I only need a few more courses. I will graduate, and then, proud as punch, walk across the stage to receive my diploma. This is “THE PLAN”. A dream, really, but does it matter?
I met an incredible girl, Sara Marie, who is like my ‘Lyme Twin’. Seriously, its creeping me out. We have almost identical symptoms, and of course she understand completely about the complex issues that, quite frankly, no matter your education or ‘case studies’, you cannot conceive. The truth is in our pain, and it is very bonding! I’m so lucky to know her. Hopefully we will get better together. Under my ‘links’ section, there is a link to her blog. Please check it out! Spread the Word. Pass it ON!
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