August 2009 archive

Who Am I?

Its been busy, not in a rush-around-no-time-for-a-break, but busy for someone who’s done nothing for a good time longer than she cares to remember! I love it though, seeing everyone.

We go to the mall sometimes with friends…just look at stuff, laugh, be girls. We try on makeup in the department stores, and spray perfume at the Body Shop, but it doesn’t feel like it used to, hanging out.
I went to the park with one of my bestest friendS, and we took pictures and just chilled. It was so sunny, and we took beautiful pictures of Beacon Hill park, especially random ducks, and water scenes.
Went to a movie one night with a group of people, it was nice only I sat through the whole two and a half hours wondering:
A. where I was
B. who I was with
C. when can I get some more water or snacks!
D. where am I?
E. who is THAT actor?

and probably repeating those questions in my head over and over again. Very tedious.
I like going for tea, and just relaxing with some good quality caffine to keep me going. Or chocolate…that always helps.
They all seem so different. Their faces look older, they’re taller, bolder, louder than I remember. But then I remember they ARE older, which is very strange.

I’m different too. I guess through them, noticing how they’ve changed, I can appreciate how I am different too. I guess I’m too sick to see that I’m growing up too. I wish I didn’t have to miss the “best years of my life”, yet still live through them, if that makes sense. I guess I just want my old life back.

Who am I? Sometimes I wonder if I still know.

Walk On.

When I was young, I never considered it, but I just assumed that the world would walk on forever, and nothing would change. That I could always walk down the local streets and laugh with friends and nothing would change. I figured that there are things in life that just can’t change, because they shouldn’t. I figured that will power alone could keep change at bay.

Of course, I was young. The world walked on, but took a new path, and it takes a new route through time every day. How can you keep up if you are not abreast of these changes?

Today I feel sick sick sick. Low. I could stare across the room blankly forever, happy to just be still and not think. A few of my blood counts are low, so we are stopping the drugs for a day, and then we’ll pick them back up after I’ve been tested again. Lucky me :P.

The days pass by in mostly the same ways. We go places, and occasionally see people, but I hope we can see more. I miss everyone so much. It’s tiring doing things, but I like it better than doing nothing…

The thoughts aren’t stringing together right today, the words not flowing off my tongue. I feel lethargic and heavy. Tomorrow it will be better, it always is.

Stranger at Home

Its strange being home. Everyone asks me how my year has been and I have no answer but a generic ‘good’ and a wide, vacant smile. They say how much I must have missed the Island, and I give give a non-committal nod of the head and change the subject. It is hard, because until they mention the fact that I have been away, I feel like no time has passed at all…because now the seasons are different and I can only tell how much time has past by the fact that I have grown, and the little stickers on the back of the car. Its as though I’ve been transported to the future, and I can look at the newspaper of next year, and view the city a year ahead of schedule. If I was on more drugs, I’d think it was magic haa.

But I don’t like it. I’m so tired of this half-life; of the mind-numbing drugs and the time gaps and the even wider gaps between my old friends. I want to scream that this is enough already! I have proved that I can handle this, I have suffered and proved time and time again that I can handle this. I have been tested; haven’t I passed? Can’t I just be fixed now and go back to the way things were without many changes? Who am I screaming to…are they listening?

Where is that old life? Where does the time go? To a vacuum? Into a vault? A vault in our minds? How cruel that my own vault is empty of the present, that the time and the life are all gone. All spent. Where does the time go?

Sidney by the Sea

Today was long, but all together very wonderful, especially as it took place in Sidney by the Sea. I’m staying with the Keais, a GNS family, who have been so wonderful and friendly (and listen to awesome music!).

I went to meet with a really good friend for coffee, and her boyfriend who is visiting from Mexico, Dobby, and Juan Lucio. They were so chill and upbeat, and it was so wonderful to see them both, and we talked (in Spanish…such a challenge!). I had so much fun, I laughed more than I had in awhile.

Tonight, I went out for dinner with the Family at ‘Fish on 5th’ which was fun! I love fish! They only have a short memory, like me! I’m very sympathetic towards fishies these days.

It feels strange to be here, like its someone elses life that I’ve walked into, where it all feels like a dream, and as though I am underwater looking up at the surface, waiting.

Home

I’m here. A year of waiting and I’m here…home. It looks the same, and smells the same, only better than I could have imagined.

This is my 80th post.

The flight went well, although it is aggravating to try and travel in a wheelchair. Its almost impossible to move, and its cramped, choked, crowded in a plane. Suffocating, if you don’t like tight spaces. It was hard to move past all those people, all those eyes, going down the isle, so many people staring, their expressions ranging from mild curiosity, to alarm or pity, which I hate. Do not pity me, I want to say, pity those who have made me this way, who have made us sicker, because there is going to be a war (civilized, of course), and we shall win. Make no mistake, we plan on being the victor.

At the airport, a few of my friends came to meet me, which was real cool, and we all had lunch together, and I finally got my WhiteSpot Salmon Burger with kuma wedges (sweet potato fries!). Very exciting.

We’ve just been settling in and organizing all of our crap and stuff. Its hard. I’m so tired. Somehow I think a part of me thought that once I was home, I would be all better, that I would be cured miraculously by the waters of the Pacific, and the fresh air and friends. I wanted to believe that so much, that I could just walk off the plane and into the waiting arms of my old life. And that I’d be whole and happy, simply because I was home. I wish life were that easy. I wish I could wish myself better. I wish a lot of things could change, but if we could just snap our fingers and make it happen, life would be so dull, listless, there would be no life without the journey, no happiness without the pain and no present without the endless past. So is the way. So is the way.

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