July 2009 archive

The Penultimate Post

I’m going to be home tomorrow, this time tomorrow actually. After a year of waiting, it seems almost cruel that I will have no anticipation of the moment, that I can just step of the plane and back to the world, without feeling the past year and hopes on my shoulders.

I wonder if I should feel more anxious, excited, worried. I wonder if its from the drugs, but I feel nothing at all, just an emptiness that fills me up. I want to feel anxious, and excited and worried.

The lake is beautiful. It doesn’t matter if you live in even one of those breathtaking postcards or posters, no one could deny that it is. That it is peaceful too. Its nice being here, and of COURSE being with my family, which has been too much fun! (I’m not being sarcastic, honest!!)

(Thank you so much you guys! Thank you for not only feeding me soup when I was sick at home, but for driving/pushing me across the country, and sitting through bad times, and laughing with me in the good ones and for listening to all that medical jargon and translating it later, and repeatedly for me. For hugging me and still loving me! Thank you so much for, after all that, you actually let me stay at your house, Nancy and Phil. You were just asking for trouble, you know that, don’t cha? Thank you so much for playing more games than you probably have in a while. Thanks building a whole ramp so I didn’t have to climb the stairs (which definitely would have sucked, not gonna lie) and for making me feel that much more welcomed and loved, and for all the laughs, Phil. Amy, it was just SO cool that you hung out with me, even though I was/am all sick and boring, and that you love me even still. Thanks for the coffee stops and mall ransacking, and the chilling in your valuable spare time. Love ya chickie! Thank you so much, Nancy, for looking after me for an inordinate amount of time and for all the laughs and hugs! Thank you so much for all the love, dedication and patience, and for still loving me, even when it would be hard to, Mama! I love you guys more than I could ever tell you.

I can’t wait to be home. To be able to say that I am home, and look around and be some where remotely familiar. To use those words would make me so happy, and feel a little more hopefully about tomorrow, and the next dash of tomorrows.

Almost There

I am so tired today. The kind of tired that makes you want to curl up in a small ball at the end of your bed, and blissfully float through nothing. A fog that clouds your mind. A sound that fills you and leaves no room for energy. Have you felt this sort of tired? How do you lift the mist, see clearly through the fog with no light?

I did my Spanish exam today…I’m finished the course! And very pleased to say so. Didn’t do to badly either, even for someone with half a brain… I’m proud of my self for finishing something, for having something to show for this time here…Its frustrating to have so much time, and no energy to do anything with it. I believe the term is listless…

We’re going home on the 30th. I can’t believe it. A part of my didn’t actually think I’d be coming home. Its strange, to be finally so close to what I’ve wanted for a whole year…it doesn’t seem fair that I will have no anticipation of the moment, that because I don’t remember it will be like every other day today.

I don’t trust to hope that home will be the same. I want to be able to step back into my old life, like a portal opening up from this time to the past. I want to step right through it and pick up the pieces as though no time has past.
But the catch is that so time has past for you, and no time has past for me.

More Shots.

They poked more holes in me today. They also came back on last Wednesday and Friday, just to shoot me up again. I do NOT think it is working, and would greatly appreciate NOT being injected with B12 every other day…

I think I am so unlucky that it is almost, strangly enough, lucky. Of all the billions of biting bugs in the world, I got bit by one of the millions of ticks, and that tick was fortunate enough to carry Lyme disase. That takes a serious amount of bad luck or coordination to pull off, don’t you think?

B12

I’m not gonna lie, I do not like starting my day with needles…it casts a shadow over the rest of the day, don’t you think? You can imagine my dismay then when I woke up and was walking (well, teetering really) to the bathroom when I heard mention of ‘B12’ shots. Lets just say I quickly barracaded myself in the bathroom. I was not impressed with the way this day was starting.

Yah, they gave me the shot. I give in pretty easy, and actually kind of forgot what I was waiting for, or more likely what awaited me when I left. I’d like to clarify that I’m not worried that needles HURT, because, lets face it they don’t, but it would be nicer if they did in a way, then I could more rationally hate them! But no. Instead, the idea of injecting some foreign substance into my body just doesn’t fly with me. I’m not a fan. ESPECIALLY cause I got that damn PICCline, and I naively figured that I was in the clear for shots, and that they could just plug me in and inject me that way. Oh how not cool.

The rest of the day was alright to be honest. Amy took me out and we went to the drugstore ( 😀 ) and got some stuff and just chilled. It almost made up for such a bad beginning!

Another Chapter

Today I had so much fun! Amy and I went to Starbucks and Chapters and we just looked at all the really awesome books and drooled, essentially. I had ice tea and a lemon loaf piece (yum!). All the books that I have been waiting for for like a year, are already out in paperback, all the authors I love have put out a few more books, and the bestsellers are completely random books I’ve never heard of.

It’s strange missing a year.

PS: Vanity Fair knows more about Lyme than my 8 specialists did. Please check out this fantastic article!
http://www.vanityfair.com/online/oscars/2009/06/qa-the-lyme-disease-controversy.html

We’re Busy Here!!

OH today was so much fun! We worked on the dress A LOT and stitched pieces together, which was very exciting, but I was worried that I was going to stitch my fingers into the cloth and stain the pretty blue fabric. It was hard work, but it is very rewarding making something yourself, making something with your own hands, and the help of a machine. We finished the bodice part and just have to do the bottom part and we’d be set.

I also just shucked some peas and now my hands uber hurt…how pathetic, I know.

The lake is the most beautiful shade of gray today, its reflecting the almost-dusk-or-sunset gray of the clouds, and the pink lining of the clouds (so much for silver lining, hey?). I wish I could get down to the lake, to touch the water and dip my toes in it with my big cousin Amy (oh she is just wonderful with me…she wants to be a nurse and I know she will be fantastic- love you babe!!) when its hot outside and we could laugh and just be girls, and not have that big work SICK sitting in between us. That word takes up so much space in my life…it’s there whenever I ‘mock-hug’ someone, or get up and hold their arm, or do anything really.

Oh, did I mention it totally pisses me off. I will seek revenge on this disease in the only way we’ve figured out…
Squish
Them
Bugs.

There and Back Again

I am so tired. It is taking a ridiculous amount of brain power to write this, although I’m actually hardly saying anything.

We went to New York (oh not New York, New York…I wish!) to visit my doctor, Dr. Horowitz, in Hyde Park (home of FDR’s library and the CIA (Culinary Institute!). The drive is VERY long and VERY dull, but at least I was in good company and I had my music and some snacks (yummy!). Its about a 6 hour drive I think, but my body would have to disagree; it felt like ages!! We stayed at a hotel about an hour or two from my doctor, just to break up the trip, and then stayed overnight there. I was very tired when we arrived…I could barely walk or talk, and couldn’t really feed myself, which is totally embarrassing and makes me feel like a total looser- I like being self-sufficient (that’s what I call it, but my family would say ‘stubborn’…).

The next day we went to the doctor, and the appointment went really well, and we didn’t have to wait extremely long (only and hour, and believe me, that’s practically early for some doctors…). We discussed my favorite topic *rolls eyes*, being Lyme disease…and all of my symptoms. We did some med switches and additional vitamins *gag* and other such wonderful things and then we were off and rolling out of there. We drove for awhile and stayed again at a hotel, just a few hours from the border.

We got drugs!! Oh my favorite things in the world *big smile*!! Alot of drugs. I was wondering how the hell they were gonna let us back into Canada with the shitload of drugs we had stashed, but the magical words “American Citizen” and “Sick Child” and “Only in America” worked wonders, and we passed the border in no time – no inspection either…how about that hunh?

But I’m back to the calm of the lack now and its kind of nice, in a way. It is so non-hospital, non-doctorish, non-medical-anything and so peaceful that it makes a nice change. Love you guys!! xoxo

Oh, and to all my American friends back “HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY!!!” WOO! Hope your wearing your colors and saying the pledge and singing the anthem with pride!! xoxo

Happy Canada Day!!

Hope you are all having a real good day, and wearing your countries colors with pride! I always liked Canada Day and Independence Day celebrations…it makes me feel uber patriotic and happy, waving my flag and the energy of the crowd. All very exciting, but this year not so much.

I did something very productive today, probably about the only thing I have to show for these many months (scarfs don’t count now cause I can’t wear them…). Mama, Nancy and I cut out a pattern for a dress I am going to make! Its the most beautiful Sea Blue/Green (there has been a heated discussion as to the true color of this material…my vote is blue!!) with dainty little flowers embroidered into the material (of which I cannot take credit). It was fun cutting out, but hard, because I have trouble with picking up little things like pins, and using my hands, but I managed it…and I’m feeling pretty proud of myself to be honest…I like being productive.

It is very frustrating having all these goals and ideas, and yet thinking about the idea alone tires me out. I wish I had more energy, like a computer, you could just plug me in and charge my batteries right back up again. I guess that’s kind of what my PICCline is, a battery charger port, except that the stuff that they put in me makes me more tired in the moment, but will help me later I suppose. I do call it ‘plugging in’ though, when I do my IV. One must have a bit of fun!!

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