June 2009 archive

Consider This Lesson Learned

I have learned so much from being in a wheel chair. This temporary perspective has changed my view of life, and I hope that you can learn these lessons other ways.

These are the lessons I learned.

I learned that sometimes the best way to make changes, in this instance, is to sit down to take a stand; that the only way to get where you need to be is to understand- where you are, where you’ve been, and where you’re going- and that knowing these things allows you to make the changes.

I’ve learned that the people who are best equipped to make changes, are the ones who have experienced the problem.

I’ve learned that if people must look down on you, your smile and charisma must raise you up to their eye level.

I’ve learned that if you cannot use your legs, your words must carry you further, and carry more weight than ever.

I have learned that if you cannot use your arms, your heart must reach further to touch others and hand yourself things.

I’ve learned that if you cannot trust your mind, that you must trust others implicitly, and that learning to trust others, is the surest sign you trust yourself.

I’ve learned that if you must get places, if you must do something or say something or think something, that if it is worth this great effort, than you might as well go full way.

I’ve learned that a broken body, a broken heart, a broken soul, and a broken mind are much more different than I thought, and you can survive with just one piece of your puzzle and spend the rest of your time repairing the others.

I’ve learned that if you had the energy to get sick, you must find within yourself the energy to get better.

Lessons learned.
Lessons learned.

Sunshine!

Today is just lovely. Its like 30C (80F) here and a wee bit humid, but warm enough for hsorts anda tank top. My cousins’ lying on the dock getting her ‘daily dose of skin cancer’ (her words, not mine!), and I wish I was suntanning too, but the drugs make you photosensitive (burn ridiculously easy).
I’m super sleepy today, but its probably the warm weather. I’m also so tired of sitting, I wish I could get up and run around all over the place. I get so bored of doing nothing, but ironically there is so much to do but I have no energy to do it with. How very annoying. I wish the pain would go away…it takes half my brain to consciously block out a tiny bit of it. I am so sick of being sick, honestly. And I totally want to get home. Now. I just want to get on a plane and go home. Not like it isn’t pretty here, but east, west, home is best.

Lazy Days Blur Together

It’s begining to look more like summer. And feel more like summer. Its sticky outside, but not very, and warm enough that I dont need a sweater with my short-sleeve shirt, but not quite warm enough for shorts. At the lake, you could probably judge the season by the amount of ‘traffic’ across the waters. People are giving their ‘skiidoos’ a test-run and others driving their boats in lazy circles, trolling for fish, long after the sun goes down. The poplar trees’ cotton flies around in swrils, so it looks like snow from a bank just was blown up, up and away. It would be the perfect kind of ‘snow’, I’ve always said, that if it was warm when it snowed I would like it far better than this. I wonder if they can make clothes from poplar cotton…does anyone know?

I just changed my dressing. Its looking lovely, all clean and strile and white. The PICC line has become like a tag along kid in primary school: once you’ve spent enough time being chased by the damn person and telling them constantly to go away, until you realize after they’re gone, that they really weren’t so bad after all. It only bothers me when I bother it I suppose- when I twist my arm at ridiculous angles, try and lift something heavy or wheel myself around – rather like a dog that will only bite if you seriously bother it. I’d encourage anyone who was sick and needed a PICC line to not wait, because time won’t, and quite frankly its not so bad as you thought- as I thought.

I went down to Burlington a few days ago to visit family. It was fun but very tireing. We hung out with my grandparents and other set of aunt and uncle, and it was so wonderful to see them again. Living out west (usually) we don’t get out here very often. How quickly the unusual has become usual. On our way home (on my moma’s birthday!!) we went to the Toronto Zoo. I had way too much fun…I felt like a five year old! We saw some amazing animals, but it always makes me sad that they have to live in a zoo. The zoo was very clean and the animals seemed happy.

“Zoo” is a great scrabble word, you know….

Somedays

Its cold here today ,but clear, and if you didn’t look at a calendar, you might just think it spring, not summer. But of course I looked at a calendar, just to make sure my guess was correct. Sometimes I worry that I won’t realize time has passed once summer comes again. How will I know that I’ve been away so long? How will I begin to guess that?

Its crazy how different my days can be. Some days I can be sitting on the porch, laughing and drinking tea and a stranger wouldn’t know I was sick. Or some days I can be sitting in a cafe, in my wheelchair, but still, you’d be hard pressed to know what was wrong with me. Some days I can think real clear and some days its hard to talk. Sometimes I the day ends with me lying on the floor of the bathroom, knocked cold from falling and hitting the counter. Days can end with confusion and tears or laughter and pensive thinking. How is it fair that the days can end up so different? I’d rather take an average of the good days and the bad ones and then have okay days for awhile. Its just worse to have something and loose it, you know? But I suppose that one could argue that it is better to live for a day, than never live at all. Its hard to feel so erratically different from one day to the next. Its aggravating, let me tell you.

At least I’m at the lake though. I think there must be something to the logic that when you are surrounded by something so beautiful and clean and fresh, some of that goodness has gotta rub of eventually.

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