New Years Eve. Wow. A whole year has passed? Really? Are you quite sure? Because to me it should be the summer, and I have a fever and I should be waking up in the spare room of our house. Because that’s where I’m still stuck.
December 2008 archive
I feel muddled. I’m not going to lie to you all and tell you that I am strong all the time. I usually like to pretend that I never cry and don’t show emotions, which was true, generally, for the ‘old’ me. This ‘me’, the ‘now me’ who has found her way out of me to the surface, is a strange creature who I barely know. Somewhere between seeing a quarter of the states, and a dozen doctors, 3 tries at antibiotics and a bunch more test results number, I found…well as cheesy as it will undoubtedly sound…me. And I don’t even know what the change has been. It’s probably sitting down, literally, and watching the world go by that has brought me around to my new way of thinking. Too often people really just go through motions. Motions after motions after motions, which they seem to feel adds up to life.
The whole time I told everyone, “I’ll be home for Christmas,” and sang it, just like the song. I used to believe that I would be home. That I’d be tucking into turkey dinner at my house and opening presents under a wispy tree, like usual. Call me the eternal optimist, but I didn’t think I’d be here now. I might actually like, no, love Connecticut, except for the circumstances.
I am quite frankly zonked out the shizz right now. I had to get up at the un-Godly hour of 8 *gasp* to go to a doctors appointment (you guessed it!). It was rather important as these things tend to be so…what can you do, hey?
I don’t know whats wrong with me these days. Well actually I take that back but I still feel…weird, even for me! I think it could be the new drugs that I’m on that make me forget completely about food. I just am not hungry at all. Which is really weird for me because I’m usually perpetually hungry. And when I am forced to eat, I have the hardest problem making decisions. About everything, really. I feel so anxious, but that isn’t the right word, maybe tense and confused, when I have to choose something. It is crazy! I’m not indecisive! GAH!
Like it is totally not cool when you have to wake up to the sweet serenade of a fire alarm. I mean NOT COOL! Okay, so it’s 4:30 and basically I just turned out the light when the damn thing starts squawking. I swear it is like a bazillion decibels above the legal limit. Of course I screamed loud as hell, but it was SO loud I couldn’t hear my scream, which obviously means it was KILLER loud. Did I mention it is about 23 F ( -5 C) out there!? I mean that is the point that blood freezes in the veins right? Maybe just my veins. So we pack on clothes and join the sleepy exodus from building 5. Just how I love to start the morning right?