December 2008 archive

A While Ago It Was So.

New Years Eve. Wow. A whole year has passed? Really? Are you quite sure? Because to me it should be the summer, and I have a fever and I should be waking up in the spare room of our house. Because that’s where I’m still stuck. 

I remember last New Years Eve. Next-door party. Lots of chips, and my first foray into 7 Layer Dip (which looks so nice until you take a bite and then the dish looks all gross!). I remember Champagne and a Christmas tree brushing the top of a cathedral ceiling, the needles dry and presents unwrapped sitting under the tree. And I remember learning that Journey song ‘Don’t Stop Believing’ on the out of tune piano and playing it over and over again until I could play it with the funky rhythm right. We played tag and hide-and-go-seek with way to much shrieking and hiding. And playing speed and some board game. And the game with stacking cups. And counting down till midnight, surrounded by good people, and the kids throwing torn paper down from the balcony.
You see, I can remember. The past. I forget that I used to remember sometimes. It feels strange to have the past in my mind when five minutes ago is gone. That was a good New Years Party. And I went home really late, crossing the grass in-between our houses in the pitch blackness, running, a nervous knot in my stomach until the motion light clicked on the side of our house. 
I do remember, you know.
I was sick then. I think a cold, or perhaps the beginning of a flu or something. Or I was getting over something. I wasn’t right and things weren’t right but it was too perfect to say it. Ever been in that place? Where something is so wrong and to say it would break the spell that makes it appear okay? So wrong it’s right almost, you don’t want to crack open that ugliness and feel the truth.
But this time it doesn’t feel cheesy to make some New Years hopes. To want a better year in 2009, for all of you and for me. ‘Cause next year is going to be hard, but it’s going to be different. It’s going to hurt and it’s going to get bad so it can get good. I put all that hope for a new year out there. That this year, things will be better. A year is a long time. A long time to change. 
People always said life isn’t fair, it’s just I never understood what that meant.  

Live It Loud.

I feel muddled. I’m not going to lie to you all and tell you that I am strong all the time. I usually like to pretend that I never cry and don’t show emotions, which was true, generally, for the ‘old’ me. This ‘me’, the ‘now me’ who has found her way out of me to the surface, is a strange creature who I barely know. Somewhere between seeing a quarter of the states, and a dozen doctors, 3 tries at antibiotics and a bunch more test results number, I found…well as cheesy as it will undoubtedly sound…me. And I don’t even know what the change has been. It’s probably sitting down, literally, and watching the world go by that has brought me around to my new way of thinking. Too often people really just go through motions. Motions after motions after motions, which they seem to feel adds up to life. 

News flash: It’s time to dig in and LIVE IT UP. Live it loud. 
I hate to reiterate this point but its true. And a thousand others have said it and a million will say it later. But a cliche is a cliche for a reason. Carpe Diem. Its that stuff all over again. 
If some crazy mystic or stranger or even close friend had told me in February that I will not be walking in a few months, and I’d be on an IV in half a year, I’d have first been like ‘you’re a crazy mystic’ and all and then would have thought how could I be? I’m fine now. 
There is a reason people don’t act like bad things are going to happen to them. If they realized how often bad stuff happens to good people and began to see the end of the world as they know it everywhere, I think most of the population would be insane. To know the truth would scare the shit out of us. This kind of truth has no use, right? If I’d had known that walking in the wood would give me Lyme, and if I’d known how bad Lyme was, would I walk in the woods? I hate to say this but I probably would. Because that’s human nature. It won’t happen to me. And how ironic that something always does. 
Okay I actually have NO idea where that came from. That was way out of left field. Someone with a shit arm like me musta been pitching. 
The point. The Crux. I haven’t even made a point yet. But like the point is not really the point. I mean this is more a broad theorem. So actually I was going on a bridge and suddenly I ended up nowhere. 
I just know I changed. And that I wanted to change, as in ‘get better’ but I found that you just can’t pick small sections to change most of the time…all or nothing at all. 
They had it right though, those people that tout cliches. You must live for today because tomorrow is not promised. 

White Christmas?

The whole time I told everyone, “I’ll be home for Christmas,” and sang it, just like the song. I used to believe that I would be home. That I’d be tucking into turkey dinner at my house and opening presents under a wispy tree, like usual. Call me the eternal optimist, but I didn’t think I’d be here now. I might actually like, no, love Connecticut, except for the circumstances. 

Today was so busy! I’m exhausted! I had to fast for ages, then we drove an hour to get an ultrasound. The snow is piled in places as tall as me! Crazy! No gallstones! Yes! Then I had to get blood work done and the dressing on my PICC line changed. We met these people at Dr. Jones’ office and they are coming for dinner. Isn’t this world a strange place? Disease apparently brings us together right? 
I’d be totally happy to crawl into bed and hibernate. On the radio they said it was zero-degrees-Fahrenheit (I spelled it so yah could get the FULL impact!) with the wind chill factor. Which means my body could actually go into hibernation mode without me even thinking about it. Shiver shiver! 
That song, “I’ll be home for Christmas”…is so sad. The soldiers knew that they wouldn’t be home for Christmas, or even home at all, but they still hoped. They still sang that lamenting melody we all know. And deep down I knew that I wouldn’t be home for Christmas. I don’t want to face that I’m sick, or just how sick I am. I will be home for Christmas, but only in my dreams. 

Sleepy City

I am quite frankly zonked out the shizz right now. I had to get up at the un-Godly hour of 8 *gasp* to go to a doctors appointment (you guessed it!). It was rather important as these things tend to be so…what can you do, hey?

Not sure how the apointment went to be honest. I’m doing a smidgen better, according to everybody else, but I can’t see that at all. I almost pisses me off in a weird way that I can’t really justify. I mean, I feel so sick and the things that really matter to me (ie: pain, memory loss, walking etc.) have worsened rather than gone the other way. But I guess I’m just more chipper or something. But anyways…I’m getting blood work on Monday, to check the ‘levels’, joy of all joy’s!

I am off da meds! WoO! Haha! Gotcha there didn’t I? It’s just for a few days to ‘monitor some levels’ or something interesting like that. I miss having the IV everyday! HAHA just kidding. But it does seem a shame to have this lurvly PICC line in and no med’s for it. I also don’t take the other little red pill that I was on which I can’t remember the name of right now. You’ll have to forgive me, but I’ve been mighty forgetful of late.
In the afternoon (EARLY afternoon I might add, cause I was AWAKE….EW!) it started snoowing!! Woo! I am no longer jealous of Victoria and their snow. It is kinda annoying though. And it’s STILL snowing if you can believe it! We must have at least 4 inches! Wow. Craazy. I mean it’s not as much fun cause Amy, Erica and Fiona aren’t here to toboggan with me. I miss everyone so much!
I’m sorry I haven’t been writing very much. I just am so tired and my fingers are so swollen that it makes typing very tedious and discouraging and exhausting. I’m gonna work at it. Promise!
I can hear the snow plows and they sound like little jets. So foreign too!

GAH! (for lack of a better title)

I don’t know whats wrong with me these days. Well actually I take that back but I still feel…weird, even for me! I think it could be the new drugs that I’m on that make me forget completely about food. I just am not hungry at all. Which is really weird for me because I’m usually perpetually hungry. And when I am forced to eat, I have the hardest problem making decisions. About everything, really. I feel so anxious, but that isn’t the right word, maybe tense and confused, when I have to choose something. It is crazy! I’m not indecisive! GAH

Had the dressing on my PICC line changed today. EW gross! That little patch of skin is wondering why it got the rotten end of the deal. It really hurts to take of the Tagaderm covering the PICC line. It’s SO sticky! It causes all these little scrapes and cuts and scabs and purple-ing. Not pretty!
We have snooooww in the forecast! Woo! Sort of. Its pretty an annoying! Isn’t that alot of things?
Gah! I can’t think really clearly right now. I feel fuzzly. I’ll write more later.  

Wake Up Call

Like it is totally not cool when you have to wake up to the sweet serenade of a fire alarm. I mean NOT COOL! Okay, so it’s 4:30 and basically I just turned out the light when the damn thing starts squawking. I swear it is like a bazillion decibels above the legal limit. Of course I screamed loud as hell, but it was SO loud I couldn’t hear my scream, which obviously means it was KILLER loud. Did I mention it is about 23 F ( -5 C) out there!? I mean that is the point that blood freezes in the veins right? Maybe just my veins. So we pack on clothes and join the sleepy exodus from building 5. Just how I love to start the morning right? 

As far as I know, a false alarm. I think the building inhabitants have put a high price on the head of the idiot who pulled/triggered the alarm. Its not the first time this has happened either. 
The Tagaderm (I think its called that, and it basically is a clear band-aid) over my PICC line chose this morning of all mornings to act up. It basically came off my arm and exposed the puncture wound (I’ve decided its high time to call it what it is). So we packed off to get the dressing changed. Then library, bank. Blahblahblah
People STILL stare at me. To me it looks like there eyes are saying “OMG there goes the last 3 headed girl alive. You’ll never see one of those again. Especially the kind with purple teeth and teal pupils and six toes.” Seriously, they could stare a little harder. It’s kinda starting to piss me off. 
And people who park in wheelchair parking spot who like could be football players, or ganstas, or just regular lazy asses. On the wheelchair spot sign it says that they prosecute people who don’t have a sticker. Lies. The States could rescue the stock markets several times over with the parking fees collected on people who illegally park in those spots. If they were fined. Even the bloody postal worker was parked in the wheelchair spot. He was filling the mail slots in the doctors office building. I kindly inquired as to if he was disabled. And he kindly said he’d move his truck. “Oh sorry.” 
And they think that covers the world. 
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